No matter where you work, whether it’s a small firm or a huge company, it doesn’t matter. You will encounter the same people, in a different getup maybe. It is hard to predict which person is what, till you have suffered at their hands, but it is pretty easy to categorise them.
The Sati Savitri
That woman (forgive me for sounding gender-biased but it normally is a woman) who is so naïve that she makes you wonder how she actually got out of home to work instead of being a good, traditional bahu at home because well, that is all she is fit for.
Aloof (and probably rude) who’s struck with OMG-I’m-So-Bechari syndrome
Sitting in the farthest corner, he keeps his head down, never talk to anyone in the office and then go and whine to one person he has befriended God knows how and whine about how everyone neglects him and don’t value his ‘talent’.
Hyper-ventilating Control Freak
For this person, the sky is always falling. And he loves to shake others and tell them how to avoid the blue mass. Like that’s not annoying enough, he will keep telling you your job description, over and over again and what he thinks of it.
Faraghat ki Potli
The only reason he comes to office is to escape his family and is pretty sure everyone is at work for the same reason. Desk hopping, munching (very loudly) on snacks throughout the shift, trying to engage everyone in a hour long discussion about useless stuff like ponies and unicorns are his defining traits.
Moreover, he will come and sit on your desk without permission and stare in your desktop shamelessly. If, by any coincidence he does decide to sit on his desk, he’ll either talk on the phone, making sure everyone listens to his conversation or play Facebook games and ask you to send lives on Candy Crush.
Everyone has a list of people they’d like to kill. And this guy is definitely on it! This person staunchly believes that he has an amazing sense of humour and is fit to be crowned as the best comedian of the year. Or the millennium. He goes from desk to desk, cracks the most lewd jokes possible (especially around women) and mistakes his audience’s annoyed grimace for laughter.
Yup, you got it. The tharki-est man that can exist on this planet. You can almost see him drooling at every female who passes by, regardless of age, race, ethnicity or religion. This type is pretty unbiased that way.
The eyes and ears of the place. He knows everything there is to know about everyone; from the rider to the top management. Like Najam Sethi his ‘chiryas’ fly everywhere. Such is his charisma that no matter how hard you try to shield yourself, you end up confiding in him, which ultimately hits you in the face. But he doesn’t let you learn your lesson. No, he will keep coming back at you and you will have to keep being nice to him.
Despite all his nikama-pan, he will remain the boss’ favourite and is sure to get that bonus you were striving so hard for.
Still, he isn’t a complete waste of space. Not only is this person the best source of gossip, he can also turn out to be pretty useful only if you are smart enough to realize that 😉
Once again, this has to be a woman. She would share cooking recipes, gharelu totkey, dress designs and tell you how awesome her last dawat went and how her exemplary skills made her ‘jithani’ fume with jealousy. She won’t hesitate in sharing (in a loud voice) details of her relationship.
He just can’t see you eating alone. So every time your order arrives or you open your tiffin he comes by, casually of course, and join without invitation. And God forbid if you have a car, you can never go straight home as long as this person is around.
This person is probably why you are still getting paid even when you are a complete asshole. You can always trust him to take up extra responsibility, work late, ‘help’ you with your projects and will never complain. He/she is the Khirad of the office.
Do you think there are more categories? Do share!
An edited version of this blog was published here.